Stan and Hardy

Laurel and Hardy run the White House

George Bush, wearing a bowler hat, stands in the Oval Office behind the famous Battleship-Resolute-Desk. Tony Blair, also hatted, stands looking at him, from the centre of the eagle-headed carpet.

George W Bush: “That’s another fine mess you’ve got me into, Stan!”

Tony Blair: “Who? Me?”

George W: “Yes, you; that’s who! What am I supposed to do about this war?”

Tony Blair, plaintively: “What, what, what war, Ollie?”

George W: “The big war, Stan. You know, the one in Iraq.”

Tony Blair: “Oh, that war, Ollie.”

Tony Blair starts walking towards the door.

George W: “Where d’ya think you’re going?”

Tony Blair, plaintively: “I was just going to get a soda, Ollie. Would you like one?”

George W: “No, no, no, no, no!”

Tony Blair continues walking towards the door. George Bush puffs his cheeks out, and extends the suspenders on his pants.

George W, louder: “I said where d’ya think you’re going?”

Tony Blair: “I’m not getting you a soda, Ollie; you said you didn’t want one.”

George W: “I’ve been thinking: What do you do when you’re in a war?”

Tony Blair scratches his head in a stupid fashion, and purses his lips.

Tony Blair: “Who me?”

George W, puffs his chest out even more and looks about the room in an exaggerated manner.

George W: “Do you see anybody else in this room?”

Tony Blair, plaintively: “No, Ollie; there’s no-one else in this room.”

George W “Well then, Stan, I must mean you then. Mustn’t I?”

Tony Blair: “Yes, Ollie.”

George W: “Well then?”

Tony Blair: “Um, well, Ollie, I’d sing.”

George W Bush stops puffing his chest out and widens his eyes.

George W: “You’d sing?”

Tony Blair: “Yes, Ollie, I’d sing.”

George W: “Why would you want to go and do a fool thing like that?”

Tony Blair: “Because singing makes me happy, Ollie. And everything’s better when you feel happy.”

George Bush starts to smile as though his head is about to fall off. He bounds across the floor and gives Tony Blair a great big kiss on the forehead. And then his picks up the phone, off the Oval Office desk, and shouts into it.

George W: “Get me the Head of the Senate Iraq Investigations Committee, immediately. I’ve figured out what to do with Iraq; I want the men to sing!”


Patrick Mackeown, January 2007


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