Patrick Mackeown’s funny limericks
I had a go at writing a few funny limericks. This special type of poem is particularly suitable to making a point!
The last dim-witted US president called Bush
believed that oil was an animal from Kush
He sent the entire US army to find it
The generals explained how they crept up behind it.
And how Colin Powell shot it twice in the tush
There was once a conman from Nigeria
Who sought to profit from bird-flu hysteria
He mass-mailed a letter
claiming control of the weather
But he vanished with his forecasting-balloon over Liberia
There once was a sous-chef called Neil
Who was a particular dab-hand with raw veal
To catch a pretty waitress’ eye
He stuck his meat in a pie
But Neil’s meaty trick screwed the rest of that meal.
There once was a frog from Bolton
Who had only three legs, and no scrotum
It was when he jumped down
That his balls rolled on the ground
And now he won’t venture out in the open.
Publishers, editors and agents have been called burks
It’s rumoured that they’re too lazy to read any new works
By the Times they have now been outsmarted
Sent Naipaul and Lessing as work newbies started
The manuscripts were summarily sent back by the jerks!
As a guest on a media panel
You can’t respond without excesses of flannel
When asked, how do you do?
You reply, it’s the paradigm, Hugh
You can’t see all the viewers changing the channel.
Internet officials got so upset by porn they had read
They came up with the domain xxx in their head
But they were far too demented
to implement the domain they’d invented
So they all simply did nothing instead.
An American president whose judgement was poor
was seduced into starting a war
He sent all his troops to Iraq
But once there they couldn’t go back
Now all the president’s men can’t go home any more.
There was once a Nigerian 419 spammer
Who got caught and locked up in the slammer
He stole is getaway cash from the governor
by petitioning the man’s gullible mother
But found no escape from Shawshank with his rock hammer.
There once was a Nigerian 419 tricker
who believed no-one was smarter or slicker
He emailed lies from Abuja
claiming to have invented Beluga
But it transpired that really no-one was thicker.
There once was a president called George
whose WMD got mislaid in a gorge
The CIA can see, but not retrieve, explained Dr Wetzel
The staff-chief flourished plans by the great General Setsel
But by then George had been knocked out by a pretzel.
12) A Sea Shanty
There was a sous-chef from Dundee
who spilt double cream on his knee
Then when asked why
he had no reply
And he now has a career out at sea
The youngster in question was horny
Unauthorised he hired ship’s-mate, Dawney
The captain was sick
and said sack her quick
So the young couple jumped ship at Trelawney
The couple were never set grumping
ordinarily they were too busy humping
when a baby came
it took dad’s name
The pair could hear mum’s belly thumping
Now Papa was in need of some work
All his life he had been a jerk
He returned to the shore
And set up a store
But sailors won’t buy supplies from a burk
A cunning young chef from Killkerry
was both serving dinner and sailing a ferry
He gave diners stew
in a bowl between two
And encouraged his guests to get merry
His jape, since it went rather well
became a story that most people tell
When asked to compete
on a merchantman fleet
he unfortunately stumbled and fell
The wounded cook finished up in the harbour
Invalided next to a one-legged barber
When asked to relate
why he brandished a Skate
he replied, “I can’t get to my larder.”
Patrick Mackeown, May – June 2006
Limericks never cease to entertain – check some funny limericks out on Reddit.
I find it really interesting that nobody quite knows the origin of limericks. Whilst the term “limerick” started to appear regularly in the 19th century, verses in the typical 5-line form have been around for centuries. This schema certainly has been applied to funny limericks. And what about the term limerick itself? I have no idea whether there is a link to the small town on Ireland’s West coast. Do you?